A Melodramatic Farewell

Butter cookies!


Most of you know that I majored in Sociology, so social experimentation is de rigeur.  I realized something both funny and disconcerting, and that is this:  When I put up that picture of me wearing my red lipstick, my hits jumped by a gazillion percent.  Seriously.  There are sites that scroll random blogs, and people can click any blog that they want to see.  With the picture up, my hits increased by over 300%.  I felt dorky and took it down, and they dropped back to normal.  But then I remembered that my New Year’s Resolution this year was to “Be More Confident”, so I put it back up.  My hits increased over 600% in the next day.  This is my conclusion:

People click on pictures of girls.  Pictures of my kitchen: not so much, even though it’s the best kitchen in the world!  And if they’re coming to this site looking for porn, they’re going to be severely disappointed.  Sorry, friends.  Sucks to be you!

Speaking of sucking, I finally dug down and worked on those queries like crazy.  Painstakingly researched, polished, formatted correctly.  A few agents only take postal mail, and a few only take online forms or email.  I created an abbreviated synopsis, and a detailed synopsis.  I wrote up a bio and did everything that every agent asked.  I took things to my critique group (Long live the RPG Illiterati!  We’re the coolest of the cool!)  and read them aloud to my patient husband.  I cried tears of milk and smiled honey.  And I ask you, what more can I do?

I can not screw it up, that’s what I could have done.

Last night (I realize it’s 4:30 am right now, so really, this was only a few hours ago) I decided that I was awake and alert enough to send some of the email queries.  I gathered everything together for that particular agent, looked it over, looked it over again, pasted it into the body of the email, spell checked, and then sent it off.  Goodbye, query!  Farewell, love!  I send you off with prayers and kisses and…wait, wait.  Spell check doesn’t check the subject of the email!  Do not tell me that I just misspelled “Submission” in a haze of weariness!  I didn’t!  I didn’t!  I DID!

So somewhere there is an agent that will see “Submisson“.  And this agent will think, “This poor, illiterate soul.  What can she possibly have to offer?” and will delete my email promptly.  As s/he should, because seriously.  Arg, what a stupid mistake!  Because who wants to represent somebody that most likely counts by stomping her foot on the ground?

Know this, dear agent-who-shall-not-be-mine:  we would have worked so well together.  I dig the books that you represent, and really, how many authors can honestly say that?  Pardon me while I mourn.

Oh, yeah, and I received five rejections today.  And our bathroom has water damage.  And I don’t have any dashing girlie photos to put up, so here’s a picture of some butter cookie dough that I made last week.  Rock on!


Pieces out: 38

Goal:  Um…40?

0 Comments on “A Melodramatic Farewell”

  1. Oh Mercedes, it is so disappointing when that happens, but it might not be as bad as you think. Hopefully they will read your submission package and realise how great it is. I am always making those mistakes too. I have learned that it isn’t the best ideas to send things out very late at night/early in the morning. *hugs*

    Now I’m off to put some hot photos of girls on my blog in a desperate attempt to attract more traffic. 🙂

  2. Don’t worry, I once sent a magazine an email meant for my husband. At the end, I posted a picture and wrote “And now for something slightly gay.”

    You’d have to work really hard to make a worse impression than that! ; )

  3. The best part about blogging is the comments. These are cracking me up, seriously! Natalie’s made me laugh until I was slightly teary-eyed. And before you grab your pitchforks and torches, I know Ken, too. And I’m pretty sure that he’s wearing pants right now…because he’s supposed to be working.

  4. 1. You could always reply back and pretend that you have your own language, a la Prince: “Checking 2 see if U got my Sub Mission 4 Mag Azin. Peace.”

    2. People are weird. I’m going to put random naughty words on my blog to see what happens. And/or a picture of myself in lipstick.

  5. Hey, you never know who cookie monster will lure to your blog! *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

    I’m no editor, but I had to read it twice before I realized your mistake, so maybe s/he won’t even notice! S/he is human too! And I’m a firm believer in hope. Except when it has to do with me. Ha ha ha! I just had an editor tell me “tsking” isn’t a real word. There go all my hopes and dreams. *sigh* 🙂

  6. “Tsking” is too a word! But, alas, “submisson” is not. However, when we write we are making English since language is malleable and never, ever, static. Once we can’t write “tsking” or even “snuck” then English is dead. (I’m going back to Latin)
    Oh and, maybe we need more pictures of billie wearing slinky outfits and red lipstick on our band website… hmmm. or maybe Joel in lipstick?

    SUBMISSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aargrgrggrggg!

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