Really checking in.
I don’t want this to become a blog of updates and “Woo, this came out” and “Yay, I’m doing this!” even though I’m proud of those things. I work hard and it’s so delightful to see something come to fruition. I want to share that.
But tonight I realize that I’m looking at the moon and it makes me want to walk outside and stand under it. I do that during the night sometimes. I’ve been sad and depressed and lonely. It’s summer. I hate summer in Vegas. It’s been three years since my girls passed, and it’s getting more difficult, not easier. I’m desperate for a way to ease the sorrow. I throw myself at projects like a bird throwing herself against the bars of a cage. I made trifle. I made soap. Last night I made earrings and attempted a ring before calling it a night. The earrings were a success. The ring will be, I think, once I rethink it and try it again.
I’m craving Marshmallow Honey Nut Cheerio treats, which is what I make because it’s sweeter than Rice Krispie treats. That said, I’m wondering about going sugar free and seeing if that helps my mood and body.
I was supposed to be lying on the beaches of Mexico this week. I’m thinking about how much I love the water and how much I love writing, but suddenly writing has become more of a responsibility than a joy. When did that happen? Why did that happen? Too many deadlines, I think. I put everything on pause for a bit and I’m writing a short story titled Last One Awake. It has a Big Man Ben feel to it, if you’re familiar with that story of mine. It’s beautiful and dark and full of sorrow and love and, best of all, I’m writing it just for me. No deadline. Not intended for anywhere in particular. I love the characters, Kelly and Joy. They’re so loyal. I’m almost sorry for what has to happen to them.
Glass has been breaking left and right about this place. That happened last year, too. I stepped on some several times, and left an impressive blood trail. The children were impressed.
I love our rabbit. I love our chickens, who are hysterical. Both hamsters passed away and the children had never lost a pet before. It was a bad time but also a beautiful time. I scheduled a hair appointment on Friday and I’m going to cut off about half a foot of it. I’m going back to blonde for a minute. I’m even going to lose the bangs.
But only for a while. I’m just visiting the Old Me. I still feel at home with New Me.
That’s it. Checking in. 🙂