Really checking in.
I don’t want this to become a blog of updates and “Woo, this came out” and “Yay, I’m doing this!” even though I’m proud of those things. I work hard and it’s so delightful to see something come to fruition. I want to share that.
But tonight I realize that I’m looking at the moon and it makes me want to walk outside and stand under it. I do that during the night sometimes. I’ve been sad and depressed and lonely. It’s summer. I hate summer in Vegas. It’s been three years since my girls passed, and it’s getting more difficult, not easier. I’m desperate for a way to ease the sorrow. I throw myself at projects like a bird throwing herself against the bars of a cage. I made trifle. I made soap. Last night I made earrings and attempted a ring before calling it a night. The earrings were a success. The ring will be, I think, once I rethink it and try it again.
I’m craving Marshmallow Honey Nut Cheerio treats, which is what I make because it’s sweeter than Rice Krispie treats. That said, I’m wondering about going sugar free and seeing if that helps my mood and body.
I was supposed to be lying on the beaches of Mexico this week. I’m thinking about how much I love the water and how much I love writing, but suddenly writing has become more of a responsibility than a joy. When did that happen? Why did that happen? Too many deadlines, I think. I put everything on pause for a bit and I’m writing a short story titled Last One Awake. It has a Big Man Ben feel to it, if you’re familiar with that story of mine. It’s beautiful and dark and full of sorrow and love and, best of all, I’m writing it just for me. No deadline. Not intended for anywhere in particular. I love the characters, Kelly and Joy. They’re so loyal. I’m almost sorry for what has to happen to them.
Glass has been breaking left and right about this place. That happened last year, too. I stepped on some several times, and left an impressive blood trail. The children were impressed.
I love our rabbit. I love our chickens, who are hysterical. Both hamsters passed away and the children had never lost a pet before. It was a bad time but also a beautiful time. I scheduled a hair appointment on Friday and I’m going to cut off about half a foot of it. I’m going back to blonde for a minute. I’m even going to lose the bangs.
But only for a while. I’m just visiting the Old Me. I still feel at home with New Me.
That’s it. Checking in. 🙂
I’m sorry to hear about your depression, Mercedes. I know it well too.
I was just reading James 5. Near the end, after a good talk on patience, he talks about remembering God’s plan for Job, steadfastness and that the Lord is compassionate and merciful. That really helped me as I contemplate why I’m suffering in my career and writing blues. Somehow in this God is and will be compassionate and merciful, so why do i fear the opposite? I hope it helps you too, sweetheart.
I saw this quote the other day and have really been thinking about it:
“The lack of peace, freedom, harmony, and well-being in the world is a reflection of the lack of these within yourself. Address the root cause of your own disharmony, and you will be able to aid the liberation of all beings.”
My disharmony is not the same as yours, but it does have to do with loss. It’s ok to be sad. Sometimes you will need to cry. But maybe it’s a change in attitude (redirection) that we both need. The part that has been sitting on my heart since I read it is about being able to aid in the liberation of all beings. How does my attitude impact those around me? How does my attitude stop me from doing things that would be beneficial to myself and others? And if I started doing things that were beneficial to myself and others, wouldn’t that make me feel better in general?
Another quote to think on: “The world is not hopeless or too far gone to be transformed by love.” ~Jim Palmer
I hope that helps you somehow. Hang in there, Mercedes 🙂
Hugs hon. I sympathize. There’s been lots of changes happening and I don’t always know if I can keep up.
I hope you can get to the beach sometime soon. Even for a day. Maybe that will give you the recharge you need.
and I think I’ll send you a surprise with the business cards I need to send you. I know just the thing. 😉
Mercedes, I am sorry that the loss is getting harder instead of easier. I can relate in a way. Sometimes we have to just lean into our pain before we can find a way out of it. That may seem counterinuitive but it can really work. It was a tool I used with many of my clients.
I am very sorry that you weren’t able to go to Mexico. We all need a break or change in routine sometimes. I hope that the haircut and color change will provide some sense of change that will help to break some of the shadow that is surrounding you.
I am sending lots of love and hugs. I wish the hugs cold be physical ones but hopefully the cyberhugs will be of some benefit.
Enjoy the story you are writing just for you. Deep Peace My Friend, Ardee-ann
*HUG* I wish I could say something that will make you feel better. You’ve been through so much. But you have a lot of people who care about you, including me. My shoulder is always available to be leaned on.
Do what you have to do deadline-wise, then take a break. No commitments. Write purely for pleasure.
I hope you can make it to Mexico soon. For now, just say “Fuck you” to the rest of the world and take some time for yourself. Relax in a lounge chair (or lock yourself in an air-conditioned room) and sip some cold drinks.
I am so glad I have gotten to know you. You are one of the best. Take care, my friend.