Resilience and Fragility


It’s 1:00 in the morning and I can’t sleep.  I’m working on the Williams project and, quite frankly, it’s hard.  Do I believe in it? YES.  Is it a book that needs to be written?  YES.  But it hurts.  Honesty hurts.

I thought that my piece coming out in the second issue of Shock Totem made me feel naked.  But baby, I was wearing a parka compared to this project!  I want to write authentically, so I’m exploring a lot of the feelings that I’ve tried to put aside.  How it feels to hold your child when the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I think that you’re going to lose him.”  The way it feels to call your mom up and say, “Mom?  There’s something really wrong with my son.”  He is doing so wonderfully now that these feelings are…I won’t say “a distant memory” because they’re always subtly there.  They pop up now and then at the strangest of times.  But they aren’t as present anymore. I have worked very hard to pack them away.  I used to feel sorrow, guilt, fear, and loss.  Now I feel more determination and sometimes anger.  I’ll take determination over fear any day.

Deciding to wade through this again is extraordinarily tough, but I believe the end result will be worth it.   Forgive my fragility.

18 Comments on “Resilience and Fragility”

  1. You’re right, Mercedes. The end result will be worth it. And there’s nothing to forgive. You’re allowed to vent here. It’s you’re revisiting of those ‘distant memories’ that will make the final product great.

  2. It takes grit to write with honesty. It’s hard as hell sometimes. I know this. And while I may jokingly give you a hard time now and then, you have my respect for what you’ve gone through, and what you’re doing with it now.

  3. you know we all support you. wishing you the best and thanking you because you are my inspiration.

  4. Mecedes, fragility is apart of life. It’s a part of healing and writing this book may help you let go of some of those emotions you’ve packed away.

    You’re a wonderful and strong woman. It hurts and it’s hard, but telling your tale is an amazing feat.

    Our thoughts are with you.

  5. I can honestly say that you’re one of the strongest women I know, if not THE strongest. Not only surviving those tough times, but revisiting them and peeling those scabs. I takes a lot of strength to willingly take that trip down memory lane. You have my utmost respect, Mercedes.

  6. It looks like we’re both dealing with these fragile, strong-as-iron moments right now. I understand the pain, if not the cause, and how hard it is to look back.

    I can also swear that the memories are less horrible, filtered through the glass of the present wisdom and strength.

    Yet another mask we peel aside, of our own choice, to show the nakedness and strength within.

    Hang tough, my dear. You are an inspiration.

  7. I’m very curious about this book… such passion in such a short post.

    I would love to be a beta reader, if/when you need one.

    (TracyLucas from Twitter)

  8. I’m squinting kinda hard, but I still can’t see any fragility.

    Talk about bleeding on the page. And this is coming from someone who actually did (accidentally!) bleed on the page.

  9. Fran Lebowitz said of Jane Austen that the reason she is considered timeless is because of her ability to write honestly about human nature and that this would always be the case because the human heart never changes.

    Write honestly. Write of all the feelings you’re embarrassed over, that you’re struggling with accepting in yourself and with those that are most helpful. Both. Always both.

    The reason I say this? A reader always reads into a mirror. Those books that are greatest and most dear are those that force us to see ourselves in the grimmest, most provoking ways, pushing us into the deep crevices of our hearts and minds to discover who we truly are.

    That’s my advice, my encouragement. You need nothing else, Mercedes. 😉

  10. Oh, I can’t even tell you how happy it makes me to see this photo of Niko this morning – I know he’s all grown up now, but this is how I always picture him!

    You have my respect and admiration, always, for your courage. Your honesty. And yes, your determination. Keep it up, dear, you were meant to write this book.

  11. Big hugs to you on this with writing project. honesty is a tough cookie when it comes to baring your sole on paper (or on the screen, for that matter.)
    Keep at it, hon.

  12. Mercedes hon,
    there are times when you feel the most fragile that our strongest traits come out. You know, things like this are like spiderwebs, fragile looking pieces of delicacy, but when you poke at it, so strong it does not break.

    You hon remind me of that. There is beauty and strength there. Heal hon and find all of the strength that you possess.

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