In 2014 I started writing Realistic Holiday Newsletters to counteract some of the wonderful, rosy, bragging newsletters where everybody is president of their company and created cold fusion. The realistic newsletters are simply for fun and a laugh. And with that, here we go!
LUKE put on his running shoes and is fleeing from all of his Bishop and church responsibilities. We’re actually moving, but he’s fantastic and everyone has a gleam in their eye about him leaving. I’d find him tied up in somebody’s basement, if Vegas had basements.
MERCEDES won an award for Love is a Crematorium. She is also hemorrhaging in both of her EYES, which is seriously the most metal thing ever. Lasers will fix it, and that’s metal, too.
NIKO graduated school and loved every second of it. He likes to bounce on his exercise ball and watch Karens get arrested on Youtube. He’d totally be living in our basement, if Vegas had basements.
NINA got her first job at Spirit Halloween, which is totally her spooky, alt vibe. Now she speaks with a posh accent because she is fancy and rich, and deigns to spend time with the rest of us rabble. She is a pro at finding the coolest stuff at thrift stores.
LILIA started a brand new high school that she loathes with the burning intensity of a thousand suns. She is hysterically funny, loves playing Dandy’s World on Roblox, and fake-crying when we ask her to do chores. She’d hide in the basement, if Vegas had basements.
ACORN DOGE DOG, PRINCESS OF NUTS was a model and spokesdog for the Pixel Project’s “People and Pets Say No” anti-violence campaign. She says no. She also says more treats, pls.
TSARINA THE RUSSIAN DWARF HAMSTER passed away this year. She was the prettiest little hamster in the world and not only did she know it, but she made sure you knew it, too.
THE HOUSE has become its own sentient entity. It is gracefully passing us on to its much bigger cousin, THE NEW HOUSE. Tonight will be our first night in THE NEW HOUSE and it promises to be as loving and quirky and full of life as THE HOUSE, only with stairs. To the upstairs, of course, because Vegas doesn’t have basements.
That’s it for us! How did your year go? Best of luck tonight as we ring in the new one. Happy New Year!