In 2014 I started writing Realistic Holiday Newsletters to counteract some of the wonderful-yet-eye-stabbing newsletters that sometimes make us want to drown ourselves in vats of toxic waste. The realistic newsletters are simply for fun and a laugh. And with that, here we go!
In 2018, our house became possessed and tried to kill us. It flooded twice, we had black mold, the water heater broke, and the scorpion army continues to advance. We remain stoic. Please airlift in food and supplies.
LUKE received an awesome promotion and travels more than ever. After each trip, he is re-introduced to his children and whatever new pet we acquired while he was gone. He is allergic to all of them, especially the children.
MERCEDES is working on a children’s line of books. She is sending out coded messages in each of them. Children are her sleeping cells.
NIKO had two SURPRISE! surgeries and a trip to Hawaii. One of these situations was more fun than the others. Niko high on surgical drugs was also pretty fun.
NINA started middle school and is too cool for the rest of us. Whenever we speak to her, she only answers in Hamilton lyrics. I’ll send a fully armed battalion to remind her of my love. Da da da da DAAAAAAA.
LILIA swallowed a dime and also needed SURPRISE! surgery. Whenever she says she’s hungry, we pass her a plateful of change. It’s the ultimate Dad joke that keeps on giving.
THUG BUNNY passed away. In his honor, we adopted two feral bunnies named Snitches and Stitches. Although we also call them Gunny and Sack, Alexander Hamilbun and Aaron Furr, and Dylan. Marsh Cat is still our lord, verily so, amen.
Hope you had a wonderful year and let’s charge, screaming, into 2019!
Do you have a realistic holiday newsletter? I’d love to hear how things went for you. 🙂